Shattered this time

A broken woman again. Though I think i am now absolutely shattered. If this happens to me a gain I think is beter for me either to die straight away, and forgetr the whole fucking life issue or retire from urban life. I am quite sure that the best way to conduct my future is retiring to the mountains. I have been thinking about it for a long long time. Eugene knew about it, and in fact I was searching for cottages in the north jsut previous to our break up, and I already told the same to Alexander. Go to the land of beauty, butterflies, wild animals, flowers and streams and enjoy what nature has to offer us. With or without them. At least if i leave in solitude I will enjoy the countriside and will probably not be hurt again and again.
The other option of course is going to the psichologist. I might try that on my return to Spain. Givi it a go. Find out what I am doing wrong. I suppose par t of it is the fact that as i have always been dumped I cling to relationshis and tolerate behaviours that otherwise I will not tolerate. Wicht somehow must be sending the wrong message to my lovers. Yes I am doing something wrong. Funilly enough Jean Paul sent me a very touchy message today addressing me as "mein" Solange. Hope and despair in less than 12 hours.